So there I was conducting another meeting on ways to get money, when I looked down the far end of the conference table and saw Cora feeding a baby. A number of things rushed through my mind and then out my mouth. First, “Is that a stupid baby? No babies at meetings!” Second, “Why does Cora have a baby?” Third, “Is that a human baby? I only ask because it looks so ugly.” Most of these thoughts made her cry and then get angry at me as she tried to explain. She said it was hers but I have my doubts because I can’t imagine anybody wanting to father a child with her. Plus, Mac was sitting right next to her and he claims it looked human but with fur pasted on it’s body and seemed to be wearing a headband with antennae attached to it. I couldn’t verify this because I didn’t want to go near the damn thing. Mac usually doesn’t lie so I’m inclined to believe him.

After some more yelling, I finally got Cora to admit she found the thing in a dumpster in the alley and claimed it as her own. Despite this, IC insisted that he was the father. Cora vehemently denied having sex with IC and proclaimed, “I would rather set fire to my own uterus and infect my eggs with ebola than ever have sex with you!” Still, IC was convinced that she probably got pregnant by accidentally using a sock he jerked off into as a makeshift tampon. Therefore, the baby “would and should be his.”

So, while Cora was asleep, IC snuck into her room and took the baby. IC always wanted to have a father and son bonding moment so he decided to take the child (who he then named Idiot Chittix Jr. the Second) fishing. Unfortunately, IC has never gone fishing before, so, in the early hours of the morning when the fish are mostly likely to be feeding, he stepped out onto the edge of the pier with IC Jr. tied to the end of a fishing pole made from a tree branch. “We’re gonna catch a fish today son, but you gotta learn teamwork first.” IC explained to not-really-his-son. IC dangled Junior off the pier and told him to grab the first fish that jumped for him. “Can you say barracuda IC Jr.? Bear-a-coon-duh!” he instructed.

This didn’t last long as, not surprisingly, the fishing stick snapped and IC Jr. plummeted into the cold water and didn’t resurface. “Yeah, probably wasn’t my son. My son would have been able to catch a fish.” he reflected before dropping the other half of the stick and walking home.

Cora was pretty devastated when she found out what happened. I haven’t seen her leave her room for days.

I warned her not to bring babies to meetings.