Okay… so this is fucked up. Remember that guy who was putting nails into that can? Well, just as I approached him, the can blew up! His face is pretty much gone and he has no hands. But because I was so close to him when it happened, I now have the nails IN me! Ow, it fucking hurts! But I counted 7 so I think I have enough to finish the throne. I’m gonna stay on the trail to find more just to have extra in case anything goes wrong during the build. I DO NOT WANT TO COME BACK OUT HERE anytime soon! Owie owie owie! This is going to make my search go even slower. Better move into the sewer so no one sees me walk like an idiot. If the super-wolves see me as weak, they’ll take me for sure.

So, here’s the thing about sewer travel: Obviously it stinks. But IC smells worse than a sewer so I’m used to it. What people don’t know is that sewers are way smaller than they’re depicted in movies. They show people and mutant turtles walking upright through them, plenty of headroom, never flowing with sewage. NOT TRUE! Often raging with sewage and my head pretty much almost reaches the top. I’m lucky today that their is no flow on this path but I have to be alert because that could change any minute. Don’t wanna get these nail wounds infected.

I AM taking this time to pick up other oddities as I go. Sure, it’s like a flea market of human waste, but some pretty amazing stuff does make it’s way down here. I found a hairless baby doll head for Cora, a rocking horse without the rails for IC, a bucket of mostly eaten KFC for Mac, another calculator permanently stuck on 58008 for Bug, and a cross for Patches because that asshole hasn’t written anything for the site in forever so FUCK HIM! Zombies hate crosses right? That’s the lore?

Okay, I’m starting to get woozy… better find a safe place to pass out… before I…

I can still hear the howls at 8pm. They aren’t as frequent, but they’re there. They must be in retreat because it seems humanity is making a comeback. As I shelter from the super-wolves, another presence has stormed the streets. It’s human vs. human as a faction of them yell “No justice! No peace!” and are met with force by their opposition. Not sure which side is representing what. Some have signs that say “Black Lives Matter” and the other side says “Blue Lives Matter” or “All Lives Matter”, which is stupid because, actually, NO lives matter but if they did, fur lives would matter the most! But the side without weapons seems to be airing some grievances while the side with weapons and armor just beat the shit out of them for sport, so I can’t follow any of it.

I’ve always dreamed of using these tactics on everyone back at the domain (especially IC) but seeing it actually happen, I think maybe attacking everyone, unprovoked, might unnecessarily escalate things. Now that I think about it, rapping Mac across the mouth over burnt cauliflower bites might send him over the edge and, who knows, he might molotov cocktail my room. Maybe I’ll just institute a decree that everyone at the domain has to stay in their rooms after 9pm? Yeah! That way I can make sure no one is sneaking into my room to burn it down when I’m asleep. This plan is fool proof! I am a genius, as always.

I’d better get some boards and nails to block my door… oh right! I’m already on a quest for nails for my throne! Oooo! I see one guy stuffing a bunch of nails into a tin can… and now he’s lighting the can on fire!? Better catch him before they melt… I need those nails.

So, I was finally building my throne in a secret place in the warehouse where IC could never find it when I suddenly found myself short on nails. Now, our website has been disconnected for seven years (totally Bug’s fault because he wanted a fiber connection and I told him no and then he tried to download 20 terabytes of dumb scientific journals on our existing connection and then I shot an arrow into the router while battling IC to the death… so yeah… his fault for putting that router there) so none of us have any idea what the outside world has been like for all this time. And I NEEDED those nails!

So, I broke protocol and left the domain, risking exposure to humanity and putting myself in harm’s way which is something totally brave and should be admired by everybody in the warehouse. To my surprise, as I opened the loading dock and the warm sun gleamed across my face for the first time in almost a decade, there was nothing except a tumbleweed that blew across the parking lot at just that perfect moment. No people. No cars. No noise. Just the sound of nature… the wind… rattling a pile of pee jugs I told Mac to dispose of. And the scent… of pee.

Where was everybody?

I ventured further into our new apocalyptic wasteland and soon I heard the howls of wolves! I took shelter! It continued for what seemed like hours (because fear) but was really maybe two minutes. Since then, I’ve heard their screams every night EXACTLY at 8pm. With humans out of the way, surely the wolves must be organizing their takeover. As leader, I must prepare the domain to defend themselves! But I needed those nails first, so I continued onward through the concrete jungle…

Until… there it was! A board with a single nail in it… attached to a cluster of boards holding up a sign that read: Maintain social distancing of up to 6 feet. Please wear a mask. Thank you first responders!

As I dismantled the sign, collected the nails, and walked back to the domain I couldn’t help but wonder what the message meant. What had happened during the passed seven years that cleansed the world of humanity? What would force people to remain 6 feet apart from each other and wear a mask? Who are the First Responders and why are they seemingly regarded as heroes?

As I reached for the warehouse door, it finally hit me. The shocking realization from connecting all the dots caused me to drop all the nails in slow-mo and my pupils to narrow.

Super-wolves.

6-foot tall super-wolves! Whose gaze can suck out your soul unless you wear a mask!

And they’re organizing. They’ve exterminated humanity and now they’re desperate, starving, searching for any remaining meat before they turn on each other for sustenance!

We must fortify the domain, do some martial arts training, and make contact with the First Responders or I fear we will be their next meal.

This… last… week… at… the… domain… was… pretty… weird…. It… all… started… when… Mac… decided… he… wanted… to… cook… up… a… batch… of… escargot… (cooked snails). So… he… and… IC… fetched… them… out… of… the… community… garden… that… those… stupid… hippies… installed… across… the… street…. I… don’t… know… what… was… up… with… these… snails… but… something… about… them… made… everything… really… funky…. After… Mac… cooked… them… up…, we… each… tried… one… and… suddenly…, it… was… like… time… just… slowed… to… a… crawl…. Total… slo-mo… world… up… in… here…. Mac… swears… he… didn’t… drug… us…, he… even… tasted… a… snail… and… succumbed… to… the… same… slowdown… the… rest… of… us… did…, except… for… Bug…. Bug… was… moving… at… normal… speed… because… he’s… more… brain… than… brawn…. Instead…, only… his… brain… got… really… slow…. In… fact…, a… week… later… he… stills… takes… forever… to… respond… to… anything….

Because… Bug… was… basically… retarded… now…, we… elected… IC… to… do… some… research… (he… did… absolutely… no… research) and… determined… we… all… got… SNAIDS:… Slow… Numbing… Affect… In… Da… Snails…. He… says… SNAIDS… can… be… cured… by… blowing… each… others… farts… on… each… other…, but… I’m… suspicious… that’s… made… up…. Mac’s… been… farting… in… Quiphen’s… mouth… all… morning… and… he… hasn’t… left… his… room…. Maybe… it… doesn’t… work… if… the… fart… cloud… is… also… too… slow… and… the… antidote… just… evaporates?… I… don’t… know…. I’m… no… scientist…. Bug… is… one… but… he’s… a… vegetable… right… now…. I… think… all… we… can… do… is… inject… ourselves… with… cheetah… blood…. Grab… a… gun… and… meet… me… on… the… helipad… by… the… end… of… the… week…