Uncategorized – Spherx's Domain

The COVID Chronicles – Part 3

Okay… so this is fucked up. Remember that guy who was putting nails into that can? Well, just as I approached him, the can blew up! His face is pretty much gone and he has no hands. But because I was so close to him when it happened, I now have the nails IN me! Ow, it fucking hurts! But I counted 7 so I think I have enough to finish the throne. I’m gonna stay on the trail to find more just to have extra in case anything goes wrong during the build. I DO NOT WANT TO COME BACK OUT HERE anytime soon! Owie owie owie! This is going to make my search go even slower. Better move into the sewer so no one sees me walk like an idiot. If the super-wolves see me as weak, they’ll take me for sure.

So, here’s the thing about sewer travel: Obviously it stinks. But IC smells worse than a sewer so I’m used to it. What people don’t know is that sewers are way smaller than they’re depicted in movies. They show people and mutant turtles walking upright through them, plenty of headroom, never flowing with sewage. NOT TRUE! Often raging with sewage and my head pretty much almost reaches the top. I’m lucky today that their is no flow on this path but I have to be alert because that could change any minute. Don’t wanna get these nail wounds infected.

I AM taking this time to pick up other oddities as I go. Sure, it’s like a flea market of human waste, but some pretty amazing stuff does make it’s way down here. I found a hairless baby doll head for Cora, a rocking horse without the rails for IC, a bucket of mostly eaten KFC for Mac, another calculator permanently stuck on 58008 for Bug, and a cross for Patches because that asshole hasn’t written anything for the site in forever so FUCK HIM! Zombies hate crosses right? That’s the lore?

Okay, I’m starting to get woozy… better find a safe place to pass out… before I…

The COVID Chronicles – Part 2

I can still hear the howls at 8pm. They aren’t as frequent, but they’re there. They must be in retreat because it seems humanity is making a comeback. As I shelter from the super-wolves, another presence has stormed the streets. It’s human vs. human as a faction of them yell “No justice! No peace!” and are met with force by their opposition. Not sure which side is representing what. Some have signs that say “Black Lives Matter” and the other side says “Blue Lives Matter” or “All Lives Matter”, which is stupid because, actually, NO lives matter but if they did, fur lives would matter the most! But the side without weapons seems to be airing some grievances while the side with weapons and armor just beat the shit out of them for sport, so I can’t follow any of it.

I’ve always dreamed of using these tactics on everyone back at the domain (especially IC) but seeing it actually happen, I think maybe attacking everyone, unprovoked, might unnecessarily escalate things. Now that I think about it, rapping Mac across the mouth over burnt cauliflower bites might send him over the edge and, who knows, he might molotov cocktail my room. Maybe I’ll just institute a decree that everyone at the domain has to stay in their rooms after 9pm? Yeah! That way I can make sure no one is sneaking into my room to burn it down when I’m asleep. This plan is fool proof! I am a genius, as always.

I’d better get some boards and nails to block my door… oh right! I’m already on a quest for nails for my throne! Oooo! I see one guy stuffing a bunch of nails into a tin can… and now he’s lighting the can on fire!? Better catch him before they melt… I need those nails.

The COVID Chronicles – Part 1

So, I was finally building my throne in a secret place in the warehouse where IC could never find it when I suddenly found myself short on nails. Now, our website has been disconnected for seven years (totally Bug’s fault because he wanted a fiber connection and I told him no and then he tried to download 20 terabytes of dumb scientific journals on our existing connection and then I shot an arrow into the router while battling IC to the death… so yeah… his fault for putting that router there) so none of us have any idea what the outside world has been like for all this time. And I NEEDED those nails!

So, I broke protocol and left the domain, risking exposure to humanity and putting myself in harm’s way which is something totally brave and should be admired by everybody in the warehouse. To my surprise, as I opened the loading dock and the warm sun gleamed across my face for the first time in almost a decade, there was nothing except a tumbleweed that blew across the parking lot at just that perfect moment. No people. No cars. No noise. Just the sound of nature… the wind… rattling a pile of pee jugs I told Mac to dispose of. And the scent… of pee.

Where was everybody?

I ventured further into our new apocalyptic wasteland and soon I heard the howls of wolves! I took shelter! It continued for what seemed like hours (because fear) but was really maybe two minutes. Since then, I’ve heard their screams every night EXACTLY at 8pm. With humans out of the way, surely the wolves must be organizing their takeover. As leader, I must prepare the domain to defend themselves! But I needed those nails first, so I continued onward through the concrete jungle…

Until… there it was! A board with a single nail in it… attached to a cluster of boards holding up a sign that read: Maintain social distancing of up to 6 feet. Please wear a mask. Thank you first responders!

As I dismantled the sign, collected the nails, and walked back to the domain I couldn’t help but wonder what the message meant. What had happened during the passed seven years that cleansed the world of humanity? What would force people to remain 6 feet apart from each other and wear a mask? Who are the First Responders and why are they seemingly regarded as heroes?

As I reached for the warehouse door, it finally hit me. The shocking realization from connecting all the dots caused me to drop all the nails in slow-mo and my pupils to narrow.

Super-wolves.

6-foot tall super-wolves! Whose gaze can suck out your soul unless you wear a mask!

And they’re organizing. They’ve exterminated humanity and now they’re desperate, starving, searching for any remaining meat before they turn on each other for sustenance!

We must fortify the domain, do some martial arts training, and make contact with the First Responders or I fear we will be their next meal.

Dance Baby Dance

I have been watching a lot of videos on Youtube…Like a lot a lot. Mostly what my viewing history consists of recently are these dance videos where they make dances to songs and get all spicy. I have been watching so many that I decided I should learn to dance. In order to do this correctly I would need to enlist at least one backup dancer who I am for sure better than. The obvious choices would be Cora and Spherx, but I have this deep down feeling that Cora can actually dance and Spherx is you know…So I went with Mac. It took a little convincing as he kept going on and on about this dumpling stew he was making, but he eventually joined me. I showed him the video of that girl who got a boob job but can really dance…you know the Jade Chynoweth…the one that has the trying on clothes videos. Yeah https://youtu.be/UO0i3i-4WYo that one. And in place of doing the dance video we stayed up all night watching her videos and others. Maybe later I can learn to do the dancing stuff and add it to my repertoire of things I do. I really just want to be able to swan jump into someone’s hands as they raise me to the sky.

The Howling Bitch in the Corner

So this morning I came into the kitchen to find Mac and Cora both huddled together on the floor making baby noises…Not feeling that this was so strange I continued with my day and went back to my room to eat my breakfast, cupcakes in the sack…but when I came out to get my lunch, usually made by Mac, the two were still sitting there and Spherx had joined in with the baby sounds…”You guys need to grow the fuck up” I said, before I found out that my lunch had not been prepared as normal…”Yo Mac where is my lunch?” I yelled, but all I got back was “Why don’t you make it yousherfu, goo ga goo”…he said more crazy shit but it was way to cray cray and I be all freaking and shiz…so I left hungry only to find Bug sitting in Spherx’s over sized office spinning in his over sized chair screaming, “I am going 3 G’s!!!”…whatever…time passed and as I was extra hungry from not eating lunch, I went into the kitchen early…the fucking assholes were still in there but now Bug and Quiphen had joined them…the five of them were now giggling and making baby sounds…then I heard it, “Ruff ruff.”…”holy shit someone got a dog and it is going to eat me” I said before I ran into my room to grab my shovel…Captain Grave Digger in hand I returned to the kitchen to end the life of the new slobbering death machine…I jumped into the middle of everyone only to find a red eyed ferocious beast with ten eyes four tails and one hundred legs…it was fucking scary as all get out…I swung the Captain in the general direction of the beast with my eyes closed and felt a heavy thud…assuming that I had slain the devil’s pet I opened my eyes to see I had nailed Cora in the face knocking her out cold and the damn howling demon was licking her face…needless to say I got put into “Time Out” while everyone cared for Cora, still using baby sounds…So there I sat, and there it sat…we stared at each other for a good ten minutes…defenseless I shook in fear of the crazy lunatic animal that I knew at any second would attack…time kept passing…the animal began to army crawl towards me, but me being in time out I sat there motionless…closer and closer…now shaking, a feeling of pure panic bubbled inside of me as the bastard came more near…when it got about 5 to 6 feet in front of me I got so primal in thought that I let out what sounded like a wolf howl…again and again I let it out…when I felt the panic release I stopped howling only to find that the beast had been howling along…with me…as if to comfort me…I howled again and so did the dog…it came a little closer…howling again the animal came closer…until the little pup was right in front of me…I reached out my hand, although trembling, and the cute little guy licked my hand over and over again…That is when I heard it…Cora screamed in pure anger form her room and I knew it was time for pain…I howled once more before the real scary beast came out punching in a fury of shovel faced anger…

Cora-ttude

I am not sure why but IC keeps throwing all the trash from the ladies bathroom in my room and I am NOT happy about it. I wonder if it because he is mad that I kicked him out of the bathroom for throwing a blood covered doll over the stall while I was in there. You know what, I am sick of his stupid wanna be jackass videos that he and Mac are making. I think that they really do need to get famous so they can leave here and I can have some peace and quiet, but I digress.

I recently went to see a re-showing of the Up in the movies theaters this week and it was just lovely. I have forgotten how wonderfully touching that movie can be…not even joking right now IC is shitting in my laptop bag, again. I am going to have to get back at him for this, this time. But what is the best course of action to really get back at him. Mac really does not get to me the way that IC does, I am sure it is because IC keeps telling Mac that I am fatter that he is and says it so loudly that I am able to hear it in the shower even. Stupid jerk! I got it, I will make IC fatter than Mac and then torture him about his weight! Genius!

See Kay Why

Contrary to popular belief I do know how to use a human bathroom…Fuck you Cora for writing in the stall at Denny’s that I am a hopeless creeper who likes to pee of the seats in the women’s bathroom…yeah…you know what else, I saw you do it as well!…I know that it was you because I was there watching you do it…and I am the creeper…How did this whole feud start you ask. well it was about a month ago when I was playing around with Mac’s toy helicopter thingy when he came into his room holding a camera…I could not believe it!…I am a huge fan of Jackass and the like so we both came to the conclusion that we need to replicate some of the stunts on the show and also come up with some of our own…We locked Bug into the Port-o-potty, we duct-taped Spherx to his chair and flung him down a busy hill street, we video taped Cora peeing and then threw a fake baby covered in blood over the stall…it was nothing but comedy gold…gold!…but I guess the other ladies, Crazy psycho Cora included, did not really think that was funny and now I have to apologize by writing I am sorry notes in the stalls…to which was my own idea and and freaking great one at that!…So for the past week or so I have been dumping the trash in the ladies room and ever so often writing a poem or two on the stall wall…so far I think it is going well aside from Cora getting angry for all the trash being dumped in her room..

North Korean Poop Bomb

I was watching the news last night…yes I watch the news, asses…and there was this thing about how North Korea wants to bomb everyone…but one country, Japan, has decided to fight back…since I am a ninja(in training) I decided that I need to help my fellow countrymen with their problem…but how I wondered…I sat in my room for a while until I had the greatest idea…I would make my own missile that I could fill with tons of letters telling them not to bomb japan…but I guess, based on Bug’s suggestion that a rocket full of letters is in his words, “ A terrible Idea, what are you stupid?”…To which I replied, “I am not stupid Dad!”…and I ran out of the room crying…I have had more manly moments but I sat down again to try and think of a new idea…Mac came by holding a camera that he was using to start his cooking show…”That’s it!”…I jumped up and told Mac that I wanted to create a commercial for the North Koreans that would explain in simplicity that they should not fire a rocket anywhere…so we put together a few ideas and sketched out some things that we could use to convey our message…It started with simply telling them they were bad, then warning them of their impending doom…All in all I think it will be successful…can’t fail right…

But a few weeks later the stupid idiots, myself excluded, fired another rocket claiming that they were sending a satellite into orbit…what I want to know is how they got enough money to make a satellite?…and who has enough money to use the signal coming from it…But Mac had a great idea and told me that we should use their technology against them and bombard them with propaganda of our own…we made many different types of things but ultimately came up with a new hero TV show for the NKs…We called him Captain Chef, and to bring him to life five people who carry special rings untie and then say the power that they are holding like this…

“Power of Fire for Cooking”

“Power of Skills for Cooking”

“Power of Tasting for Cooking”

“Power of Non-Poverty for Cooking”

“Power of Heart for Cooking”

They have to be said in that order and the last one has to be some flaming gay Asian guy who says it like he is saying it with gusto but really doesn’t care about anything…I think Bug would be a good candidate for this…All together they will unite and bring Captain Chef to life and he will cook and bring food to those poor, poor, poor, poor, poor, poor, poor, poor North Korean peoples…

What is a Juggalo?

I have done it and no one can take it away from me…I have finally found a group of people that I am going to blend in with and fuck you for thinking differently…See it all started when I was reading about cults on peoplewhomightbecrazierthanyoubutyoualsomightlike.com that I found a few videos of like minded people that seemed to have it all together…one was this kid with crazy good rap skills and other various people…One was this hilarious guy/girl who got mad at all the hate-in…So I looked into it further and I found a good documentary about a gathering of people who call themselves, The Juggalos…upon further inspection I found that these people all worship this rap band called Insane Clown Posse, or ICP for short…Man they are fucking nutso, and yet somehow they make sense to me…I decided to make my own rap video and join the club…Imagine my surprise when they all invited me to get drunk, drive trucks over cars(and fail at it hehehe), do some more drinking, stare at the weirdest boobs ever known to human kind, find the one black guy in the crowd, and in the end finish with kissing some guy in the closet…Great time, but the more I learned about the rap group the more I found that they might in fact be even more stupid than I am…I mean I am an idiot but I am not a fucking clown…then I found it…they wondered how magnets worked and I lost it…magnets…fucking magnets!!!…I just left the cult to find a smarter, better place to devote my life to…because I am not down with people who don’t respect science…I ended up back on peoplewhomightbecrazierthanyoubutyoualsomightlike.com looking for something else…So far I have found a kool-aid club, some weird mannequin place, and a place devoted to coprophilia…yuck, but enticing…if you don’t know what I am talking about here are some videos for you to see…

Everyone has SNAIDS!

This… last… week… at… the… domain… was… pretty… weird…. It… all… started… when… Mac… decided… he… wanted… to… cook… up… a… batch… of… escargot… (cooked snails). So… he… and… IC… fetched… them… out… of… the… community… garden… that… those… stupid… hippies… installed… across… the… street…. I… don’t… know… what… was… up… with… these… snails… but… something… about… them… made… everything… really… funky…. After… Mac… cooked… them… up…, we… each… tried… one… and… suddenly…, it… was… like… time… just… slowed… to… a… crawl…. Total… slo-mo… world… up… in… here…. Mac… swears… he… didn’t… drug… us…, he… even… tasted… a… snail… and… succumbed… to… the… same… slowdown… the… rest… of… us… did…, except… for… Bug…. Bug… was… moving… at… normal… speed… because… he’s… more… brain… than… brawn…. Instead…, only… his… brain… got… really… slow…. In… fact…, a… week… later… he… stills… takes… forever… to… respond… to… anything….

Because… Bug… was… basically… retarded… now…, we… elected… IC… to… do… some… research… (he… did… absolutely… no… research) and… determined… we… all… got… SNAIDS:… Slow… Numbing… Affect… In… Da… Snails…. He… says… SNAIDS… can… be… cured… by… blowing… each… others… farts… on… each… other…, but… I’m… suspicious… that’s… made… up…. Mac’s… been… farting… in… Quiphen’s… mouth… all… morning… and… he… hasn’t… left… his… room…. Maybe… it… doesn’t… work… if… the… fart… cloud… is… also… too… slow… and… the… antidote… just… evaporates?… I… don’t… know…. I’m… no… scientist…. Bug… is… one… but… he’s… a… vegetable… right… now…. I… think… all… we… can… do… is… inject… ourselves… with… cheetah… blood…. Grab… a… gun… and… meet… me… on… the… helipad… by… the… end… of… the… week…