2013 – Spherx's Domain

The Howling Bitch in the Corner

So this morning I came into the kitchen to find Mac and Cora both huddled together on the floor making baby noises…Not feeling that this was so strange I continued with my day and went back to my room to eat my breakfast, cupcakes in the sack…but when I came out to get my lunch, usually made by Mac, the two were still sitting there and Spherx had joined in with the baby sounds…”You guys need to grow the fuck up” I said, before I found out that my lunch had not been prepared as normal…”Yo Mac where is my lunch?” I yelled, but all I got back was “Why don’t you make it yousherfu, goo ga goo”…he said more crazy shit but it was way to cray cray and I be all freaking and shiz…so I left hungry only to find Bug sitting in Spherx’s over sized office spinning in his over sized chair screaming, “I am going 3 G’s!!!”…whatever…time passed and as I was extra hungry from not eating lunch, I went into the kitchen early…the fucking assholes were still in there but now Bug and Quiphen had joined them…the five of them were now giggling and making baby sounds…then I heard it, “Ruff ruff.”…”holy shit someone got a dog and it is going to eat me” I said before I ran into my room to grab my shovel…Captain Grave Digger in hand I returned to the kitchen to end the life of the new slobbering death machine…I jumped into the middle of everyone only to find a red eyed ferocious beast with ten eyes four tails and one hundred legs…it was fucking scary as all get out…I swung the Captain in the general direction of the beast with my eyes closed and felt a heavy thud…assuming that I had slain the devil’s pet I opened my eyes to see I had nailed Cora in the face knocking her out cold and the damn howling demon was licking her face…needless to say I got put into “Time Out” while everyone cared for Cora, still using baby sounds…So there I sat, and there it sat…we stared at each other for a good ten minutes…defenseless I shook in fear of the crazy lunatic animal that I knew at any second would attack…time kept passing…the animal began to army crawl towards me, but me being in time out I sat there motionless…closer and closer…now shaking, a feeling of pure panic bubbled inside of me as the bastard came more near…when it got about 5 to 6 feet in front of me I got so primal in thought that I let out what sounded like a wolf howl…again and again I let it out…when I felt the panic release I stopped howling only to find that the beast had been howling along…with me…as if to comfort me…I howled again and so did the dog…it came a little closer…howling again the animal came closer…until the little pup was right in front of me…I reached out my hand, although trembling, and the cute little guy licked my hand over and over again…That is when I heard it…Cora screamed in pure anger form her room and I knew it was time for pain…I howled once more before the real scary beast came out punching in a fury of shovel faced anger…

Turkey One

I found this post lurking in the depths and although it is a little late I decided to post it anyways…Fun time…

With the upcoming slaughter of many turkeys and such I decided that I would set out on a campaign to end the loss of innocent and helpless turkeys…Poor little bastards…What did they ever do to hurt us…well so I first needed to post flyers to get members to join so that I could make some money. I would do this by asking for a small membership fee that I would collect during said meetings…I would use a technique that I learned from church by passing around a small metal bowl saying that unless you donate some of your money the turkey god will be upset and send you to the giant oven…First posters…and yes I have been to church a couple of times, mostly to sleep since the humming of the organs makes me laugh until I pass out from lack of breath….hehehe, giant organs…Okay back to the posters…

I had no idea about what would work and what should be on the poster in order to attract people to my cause…I asked around the domain and the answers ranged from, “Fuck you IC, I am busy” to “Go and gobble some cock you turkey lover”…what a bunch of asses…here I am trying to do something noble and they just shove it in my face…So I walked around town racking my brain on how to create a catchy poster…I was walking by the YMCA and was doing the dance to the song like I always do when I saw a poster inside so utterly simple and great that I decided I would make one just like it…I returned to the domain with speed and determination to complete my poster masterpiece before I forgot how to make it…I saw some after school class where they were teaching people how to draw it and it is so simple I cannot believe that I did not think of it before…As I walked into the domain I realized that I did not have any form of an art studio to make my masterpiece in so I confiscated Cora’s room while she was in the shower and began to create…It took me a few tries to get it right and I think that the final result was so good I might even frame the original…I did not have any paint because Mac sold all of it to buy food for his eating habit, so I used the available supplies to create. A little bit of eye liner, some lipstick, blueberry jam and chocolate syrup made my creation come to life…I was ready for my campaign…

I started by simply placing my posters everywhere and waited…nothing…then I put up more posters…and more and more…then I realized that putting my posters only on the side of an abandoned warehouse in the middle of nowhere probably was not the smartest idea…so I walked back to the YMCA and after doing the dance again I put some of my campaign posters up I returned home and waited…this time a whole bunch of bald and sickly pail looking kids and parents came…a lot…way more than I expected…I did not have enough punch for this many people…oh well…the punch-less crowd stood in the courtyard waiting while I just kept pointing at the posters…Not knowing my meaning the crowd began to grumble and slowly everyone started to leave…I had to do something, anything that would keep the people there…I started to speak like the movies I had seen Spherx watching…

“What I mean is this: Throughout thousands of years the conviction grew up and prevailed, not so much in the Turkeys mind as in the minds of the contemporary world, that bloodshed and the extermination of those hitherto in power–together with the destruction of public and private meals and property of turkeys and all other fowl–were essential characteristics of every true revolution. Turkey-kind in general has grown accustomed to accept revolutions with all these consequences somehow or other as if they were legal happenings. I do not mean that people endorse all this tumultuous destruction of life and property; but they certainly accept it as the necessary accompaniment of events which, because of this very reason, are called Revolutionary Dinners”…they suddenly started clapping and cheering, I then made the customary hand sign that I saw on the video and created my own tagline. “Heil Turkei, Bukwawk!” and they responded with the same sign, clapping and laughter…overall I would say it was a success…Now what do I do next?…

Cora-ttude

I am not sure why but IC keeps throwing all the trash from the ladies bathroom in my room and I am NOT happy about it. I wonder if it because he is mad that I kicked him out of the bathroom for throwing a blood covered doll over the stall while I was in there. You know what, I am sick of his stupid wanna be jackass videos that he and Mac are making. I think that they really do need to get famous so they can leave here and I can have some peace and quiet, but I digress.

I recently went to see a re-showing of the Up in the movies theaters this week and it was just lovely. I have forgotten how wonderfully touching that movie can be…not even joking right now IC is shitting in my laptop bag, again. I am going to have to get back at him for this, this time. But what is the best course of action to really get back at him. Mac really does not get to me the way that IC does, I am sure it is because IC keeps telling Mac that I am fatter that he is and says it so loudly that I am able to hear it in the shower even. Stupid jerk! I got it, I will make IC fatter than Mac and then torture him about his weight! Genius!

See Kay Why

Contrary to popular belief I do know how to use a human bathroom…Fuck you Cora for writing in the stall at Denny’s that I am a hopeless creeper who likes to pee of the seats in the women’s bathroom…yeah…you know what else, I saw you do it as well!…I know that it was you because I was there watching you do it…and I am the creeper…How did this whole feud start you ask. well it was about a month ago when I was playing around with Mac’s toy helicopter thingy when he came into his room holding a camera…I could not believe it!…I am a huge fan of Jackass and the like so we both came to the conclusion that we need to replicate some of the stunts on the show and also come up with some of our own…We locked Bug into the Port-o-potty, we duct-taped Spherx to his chair and flung him down a busy hill street, we video taped Cora peeing and then threw a fake baby covered in blood over the stall…it was nothing but comedy gold…gold!…but I guess the other ladies, Crazy psycho Cora included, did not really think that was funny and now I have to apologize by writing I am sorry notes in the stalls…to which was my own idea and and freaking great one at that!…So for the past week or so I have been dumping the trash in the ladies room and ever so often writing a poem or two on the stall wall…so far I think it is going well aside from Cora getting angry for all the trash being dumped in her room..

North Korean Poop Bomb

I was watching the news last night…yes I watch the news, asses…and there was this thing about how North Korea wants to bomb everyone…but one country, Japan, has decided to fight back…since I am a ninja(in training) I decided that I need to help my fellow countrymen with their problem…but how I wondered…I sat in my room for a while until I had the greatest idea…I would make my own missile that I could fill with tons of letters telling them not to bomb japan…but I guess, based on Bug’s suggestion that a rocket full of letters is in his words, “ A terrible Idea, what are you stupid?”…To which I replied, “I am not stupid Dad!”…and I ran out of the room crying…I have had more manly moments but I sat down again to try and think of a new idea…Mac came by holding a camera that he was using to start his cooking show…”That’s it!”…I jumped up and told Mac that I wanted to create a commercial for the North Koreans that would explain in simplicity that they should not fire a rocket anywhere…so we put together a few ideas and sketched out some things that we could use to convey our message…It started with simply telling them they were bad, then warning them of their impending doom…All in all I think it will be successful…can’t fail right…

But a few weeks later the stupid idiots, myself excluded, fired another rocket claiming that they were sending a satellite into orbit…what I want to know is how they got enough money to make a satellite?…and who has enough money to use the signal coming from it…But Mac had a great idea and told me that we should use their technology against them and bombard them with propaganda of our own…we made many different types of things but ultimately came up with a new hero TV show for the NKs…We called him Captain Chef, and to bring him to life five people who carry special rings untie and then say the power that they are holding like this…

“Power of Fire for Cooking”

“Power of Skills for Cooking”

“Power of Tasting for Cooking”

“Power of Non-Poverty for Cooking”

“Power of Heart for Cooking”

They have to be said in that order and the last one has to be some flaming gay Asian guy who says it like he is saying it with gusto but really doesn’t care about anything…I think Bug would be a good candidate for this…All together they will unite and bring Captain Chef to life and he will cook and bring food to those poor, poor, poor, poor, poor, poor, poor, poor North Korean peoples…

What is a Juggalo?

I have done it and no one can take it away from me…I have finally found a group of people that I am going to blend in with and fuck you for thinking differently…See it all started when I was reading about cults on peoplewhomightbecrazierthanyoubutyoualsomightlike.com that I found a few videos of like minded people that seemed to have it all together…one was this kid with crazy good rap skills and other various people…One was this hilarious guy/girl who got mad at all the hate-in…So I looked into it further and I found a good documentary about a gathering of people who call themselves, The Juggalos…upon further inspection I found that these people all worship this rap band called Insane Clown Posse, or ICP for short…Man they are fucking nutso, and yet somehow they make sense to me…I decided to make my own rap video and join the club…Imagine my surprise when they all invited me to get drunk, drive trucks over cars(and fail at it hehehe), do some more drinking, stare at the weirdest boobs ever known to human kind, find the one black guy in the crowd, and in the end finish with kissing some guy in the closet…Great time, but the more I learned about the rap group the more I found that they might in fact be even more stupid than I am…I mean I am an idiot but I am not a fucking clown…then I found it…they wondered how magnets worked and I lost it…magnets…fucking magnets!!!…I just left the cult to find a smarter, better place to devote my life to…because I am not down with people who don’t respect science…I ended up back on peoplewhomightbecrazierthanyoubutyoualsomightlike.com looking for something else…So far I have found a kool-aid club, some weird mannequin place, and a place devoted to coprophilia…yuck, but enticing…if you don’t know what I am talking about here are some videos for you to see…

Everyone has SNAIDS!

This… last… week… at… the… domain… was… pretty… weird…. It… all… started… when… Mac… decided… he… wanted… to… cook… up… a… batch… of… escargot… (cooked snails). So… he… and… IC… fetched… them… out… of… the… community… garden… that… those… stupid… hippies… installed… across… the… street…. I… don’t… know… what… was… up… with… these… snails… but… something… about… them… made… everything… really… funky…. After… Mac… cooked… them… up…, we… each… tried… one… and… suddenly…, it… was… like… time… just… slowed… to… a… crawl…. Total… slo-mo… world… up… in… here…. Mac… swears… he… didn’t… drug… us…, he… even… tasted… a… snail… and… succumbed… to… the… same… slowdown… the… rest… of… us… did…, except… for… Bug…. Bug… was… moving… at… normal… speed… because… he’s… more… brain… than… brawn…. Instead…, only… his… brain… got… really… slow…. In… fact…, a… week… later… he… stills… takes… forever… to… respond… to… anything….

Because… Bug… was… basically… retarded… now…, we… elected… IC… to… do… some… research… (he… did… absolutely… no… research) and… determined… we… all… got… SNAIDS:… Slow… Numbing… Affect… In… Da… Snails…. He… says… SNAIDS… can… be… cured… by… blowing… each… others… farts… on… each… other…, but… I’m… suspicious… that’s… made… up…. Mac’s… been… farting… in… Quiphen’s… mouth… all… morning… and… he… hasn’t… left… his… room…. Maybe… it… doesn’t… work… if… the… fart… cloud… is… also… too… slow… and… the… antidote… just… evaporates?… I… don’t… know…. I’m… no… scientist…. Bug… is… one… but… he’s… a… vegetable… right… now…. I… think… all… we… can… do… is… inject… ourselves… with… cheetah… blood…. Grab… a… gun… and… meet… me… on… the… helipad… by… the… end… of… the… week…

I am…maybe more wealthy…

As it so happens I have been slowly taking and selling things from around the domain…a lot…but someone got wise on ebay and report that I was a child molester and that took my store down…so I have devised a new method…reddit…so I started a new place for my stealings to be sold and for me to become more and more rich…hahahahahahahaha…unfortunately I was not able to make a reddit named iamtakingyourshitandsellingitonebay but instead I made it an abbreviation of the word…So far I have gotten a few numbers mostly from people looking for pictures of their childhood or kids pictures, which I have stolen from Cora’s room and sold to them…but I guess we shall wait and see how it goes hopefully it will turn into something good…mostly riches…

If anybody feels like buying stuff you can check it out here… Click Me

Scrotox

It is no secret that Cora is not looking any younger these days. She recently approached me about a possible anti-aging solution, to which I explained one had not been invented yet and she only had cosmetic options if she hoped to look less dog-like. That is when she challenged me by proclaiming that if I was half of the scientist that I claimed to be, I could formulate an anti-aging serum for her and the rest of the world. Naturally I accepted the challenge.

To begin my experiment, I researched many possible sources of what could be considered the embodiment of youth. There is rumored to be a fountain in Florida that grants youth to whoever drinks from it, but because I cannot currently travel there, I ruled it out. I revised my line of thinking and focused on things that are young, like children, which led me to ask, “What is younger than children?”

“Babies!” I shouted upon noting my epiphany. “Could there be anything younger than babies?” Then I had my revelation. Sperm. Sperm is younger than fully-birthed babies. It stood to reason that if I could harness some sperm and transfer it into Cora’s face, I could reverse her aging. So while Mac was asleep, I drugged him and performed surgery on his scrotum, removing the testicles and extracting the sperm. Not to worry, I put them back when I was done and placed an icepack on his crotch. He still doesn’t know what happened but he’s been really cranky ever since.

Thus, I have created Scrotox! I have not tested it yet, but I am pretty sure that once I get the serum mixture correct, injecting it into Cora’s face will cause a regressive-aging reaction. However, it won’t be perfect. In theory, it should only tighten her skin only in cold temperatures and the rest of the time, sag even worse than now. And she might have to shave more often. I cannot wait to show Cora my findings.

Cora Had A Baby

So there I was conducting another meeting on ways to get money, when I looked down the far end of the conference table and saw Cora feeding a baby. A number of things rushed through my mind and then out my mouth. First, “Is that a stupid baby? No babies at meetings!” Second, “Why does Cora have a baby?” Third, “Is that a human baby? I only ask because it looks so ugly.” Most of these thoughts made her cry and then get angry at me as she tried to explain. She said it was hers but I have my doubts because I can’t imagine anybody wanting to father a child with her. Plus, Mac was sitting right next to her and he claims it looked human but with fur pasted on it’s body and seemed to be wearing a headband with antennae attached to it. I couldn’t verify this because I didn’t want to go near the damn thing. Mac usually doesn’t lie so I’m inclined to believe him.

After some more yelling, I finally got Cora to admit she found the thing in a dumpster in the alley and claimed it as her own. Despite this, IC insisted that he was the father. Cora vehemently denied having sex with IC and proclaimed, “I would rather set fire to my own uterus and infect my eggs with ebola than ever have sex with you!” Still, IC was convinced that she probably got pregnant by accidentally using a sock he jerked off into as a makeshift tampon. Therefore, the baby “would and should be his.”

So, while Cora was asleep, IC snuck into her room and took the baby. IC always wanted to have a father and son bonding moment so he decided to take the child (who he then named Idiot Chittix Jr. the Second) fishing. Unfortunately, IC has never gone fishing before, so, in the early hours of the morning when the fish are mostly likely to be feeding, he stepped out onto the edge of the pier with IC Jr. tied to the end of a fishing pole made from a tree branch. “We’re gonna catch a fish today son, but you gotta learn teamwork first.” IC explained to not-really-his-son. IC dangled Junior off the pier and told him to grab the first fish that jumped for him. “Can you say barracuda IC Jr.? Bear-a-coon-duh!” he instructed.

This didn’t last long as, not surprisingly, the fishing stick snapped and IC Jr. plummeted into the cold water and didn’t resurface. “Yeah, probably wasn’t my son. My son would have been able to catch a fish.” he reflected before dropping the other half of the stick and walking home.

Cora was pretty devastated when she found out what happened. I haven’t seen her leave her room for days.

I warned her not to bring babies to meetings.

Year: 2013